The Humble Beginnings of an Aspiring Food Critic

I never had an Easy Bake Oven

and what girl didn't want one?

I pined over those bite sized chocolate cakes

sprinkled with glittering pink sugar,

dreamed of frosting 

my own cookies and 

mixing my own brownies

even before that in pre-K,

I hung out by the plastic lavender and

baby pink, and cream kitchen set 

that was missing various tiny metal pots and pans

but still had a few plastic food items

the standard fruits and maybe a carton of eggs

I would spend my play time there

pretending to whip up omelets, drinking pretend milk, 

and gossiping with my friends,

you know, the normal business

of a 4 year old on the Lower East Side

I hated the school lunch, they served me liver once

who gives liver to a 4 year old?, I felt like a puppy

being forced to eat a can of chow

so the little kitchen was always a 

better alternative to

the miniature lunch tables

when I got older my dreams of 

cooking never left me

I spent a lot of time at my grandma's house,

complete with plastic covered fabric couches, 

a collection of stuffed animals from 

various rip-off Coney Island games,

a menagerie of Technicolor bulldogs, 

goofy lions, and teddy bears,

a crazy old chihuahua named Snoopy,

and no cable,

no Hey Arnold, or Rocko's Modern Life, or Real Monsters for me

nope, I settled down with the Food Network

watching Emeril Lagasse do his thing

I sat down in front of the TV with my Play-doh and followed his recipes

making tacos and seafood with the various colors I had

shaping reds and greens and blues

being careful not to mix the colors and essentially taint them forever

I would roll out little balls of pretend pizza dough

that would leave the sweet memorable scent 

on my hands and under my finger nails

which totally beats out the Easy Bake Oven 

now I watch Iron Chef, and Chopped not pretending to be a chef

but to pretending to be a food critic, skilled and versed in describing the 

multifaceted tastes of food

I'm pretty obsessed 

what a great life it would be 

to sit around saying things like "oh yes, this tastes a bit gamey", 

and "that really adds a kick of flavor", "this presentation is very rustic"

or "the hint of lemon adds a depth of flavor and brings out the saffron"

you know, great stuff like that

I'd travel around tasting bits of every country & culture while taking notes

on flavor, and plating design

make-believe never gets old

but hey, who knows, maybe one day I can work for the Zagat

dreams may not always come true

but I still love the smell of Play Doh.