Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Learning to Drive & Escaping Avant- Garde Torture

So there I was, sitting in the
art history lecture hall
watching odd avant garde films,
think race cars, scrotums,
claustrophobic uteran imagery,
a tap dancing satyr, and ambiguous
asexual creatures with pink wigs and drag queen makeup (seriously)
which is basically the most
disturbing thing
that could possibly be happening
to a fragile girl
who still needed to do the footnotes
on her Dutch art history research paper,
a sad, poor girl who did not know just how long making footnotes actually takes
we were confined to that room,
for 3 whole hours
a fate my friend just couldn't deal with
so she utters these magic words, "I'll take you to Cold Stone"
(basically, with these words anyone could get me to fall at their feet,
and be at their every whim like:
oh haiiii, will you wash the dishes?,
and mind you I do not wash dishes, but I'd gladly comply
oh, will you rub my feet? yessir! what scent of lotion would you like?
clearly I'm a sucker)
specifically she said "If we leave, I'll take you to Coldstone"
with that sentence, the bells and whistles went off in my head
and we broke out only an hour into the torture
under the piercing gaze of our banshee-esque professor
off to Cold Stone we went, to get Birthday Cake Remix
it felt so good to finally have real ice cream
that wasn't being squeezed out of a machine in the Deec
real, creamy, nom ice cream, it was heavenly to experience
brownies, sprinkles and cake batter ice cream all over again
I don't think there's any better food than ice cream
spaghetti, pad thai and omelets are almost as good
anyhow, after the ice cream my friend suggests that I get into the drivers seat
of her nice, shiny, new car
mind you, I have never sat in the driver's seat of a car
and even more importantly, have never put my hands on a steering wheel
she is crazy, but she tried to teach me how to drive
and dammit! it was difficult, I'm surprised most people
can think about that many things at once
look to the left, look to the right, check the mirrors, gas pedal, brake, merge into a turn
I also never knew that a car moves without you pressing the gas
which honestly was quite off putting and a bit troubling to me
and the steering wheel can be turned all the way around
it was a whole new world
my gosh, it was overwhelming
and sometimes my feet had trouble finding the gas
and I apparently have a British tendency to drive in the left lane
but nonetheless I drove, learned not how to break violently
and didn't crash into Men's Warehouse
I wasn't blasting My Humps
but at this rate, that dream is becoming a possibility.

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