Learning to Drive & Escaping Avant- Garde Torture

So there I was, sitting in the

art history lecture hall

watching odd avant garde films,

think race cars, scrotums,

claustrophobic uteran imagery,

a tap dancing satyr, and ambiguous

asexual creatures with pink wigs and drag queen makeup (seriously)

which is basically the most

disturbing thing

that could possibly be happening

to a fragile girl

who still needed to do the footnotes

on her Dutch art history research paper,

a sad, poor girl who did not know just how long making footnotes actually takes

we were confined to that room,

for 3 whole hours

a fate my friend just couldn't deal with

so she utters these magic words, "I'll take you to Cold Stone"

(basically, with these words anyone could get me to fall at their feet,

and be at their every whim like:

oh haiiii, will you wash the dishes?,

and mind you I do not wash dishes, but I'd gladly comply

oh, will you rub my feet? yessir! what scent of lotion would you like?

clearly I'm a sucker)

specifically she said "If we leave, I'll take you to Coldstone"

with that sentence, the bells and whistles went off in my head

and we broke out only an hour into the torture

under the piercing gaze of our banshee-esque professor

off to Cold Stone we went, to get Birthday Cake Remix

it felt so good to finally have real ice cream

that wasn't being squeezed out of a machine in the Deec

real, creamy, nom ice cream, it was heavenly to experience

brownies, sprinkles and cake batter ice cream all over again

I don't think there's any better food than ice cream

spaghetti, pad thai and omelets are almost as good

anyhow, after the ice cream my friend suggests that I get into the drivers seat

of her nice, shiny, new car

mind you, I have never sat in the driver's seat of a car

and even more importantly, have never put my hands on a steering wheel

she is crazy, but she tried to teach me how to drive

and dammit! it was difficult, I'm surprised most people

can think about that many things at once

look to the left, look to the right, check the mirrors, gas pedal, brake, merge into a turn

I also never knew that a car moves without you pressing the gas

which honestly was quite off putting and a bit troubling to me

and the steering wheel can be turned all the way around

it was a whole new world

my gosh, it was overwhelming

and sometimes my feet had trouble finding the gas

and I apparently have a British tendency to drive in the left lane

but nonetheless I drove, learned not how to break violently

and didn't crash into Men's Warehouse

I wasn't blasting My Humps

but at this rate, that dream is becoming a possibility.

Saltine Creation #1

For those Lent minded, unreligious people like me

who are suffering from not having sweets

or cookies, or brownies, or cake

like this beautiful raspberry mouse cheesecake and rainbow cookie gelato feast

I had on Valentine's Day (my heart dies when I see this picture)

I've got a creation

out of desperation I've turned to Saltines to keep me going

in an attempt to satisfy my insatiable love for desserts

or just because sometimes in college you have to make do with what you have

and there is always a constant supply of saltines by the mostly gross soups

I'm hoping to think up more creations like this one 

coming atcha from the wretched Deece (dining hall that is miserable)

presenting Peanut Butter & Jelly Fro-Yo Sandwiches!

with step by step instructions! (makes 2 servings)

apply jelly generously, for I love jelly

anyone else would probable have their own jar of jelly, while I have to scoop 

it out of a communal jelly tub, ew 

slather on peanut butter to your liking

I am not huge peanut butter fan unless its paired with a ton of jelly

so I used it sparingly

add froyo, or icecream if you are privileged enough to have it

I used chocolate because, although there are 3 dispenser nozzles, 

they were all filled with chocolate and were unlabeled

no vanilla for me, boo

but chocolate was really nommy too

add the icecream/froyo to the peanut butter side of the sandwich

top the froyo with the jelly covered cracker, making sure not to let the froyo escape

and enjoy!

I swear they taste like cookies

but eating at a dining hall

may have altered my taste buds 

either which way its simple and yummy

and keeps me away from the dessert table

you can see the communal peanut butter tub in the background

the tubs with butter and jelly and peanut butter and cream cheese

always have crumbs in them

I think that's what weirds me out

what a perfect midterm snack.